Mamma’s Christmas Metropolis, 2013!


You’ve been dreaming about this all year long. Visions of a bustling ceramic Christmas city peppered with bottle brush trees have been clogging up your holiday head-space for the past twelve months now and quite frankly, you can’t begin celebrating this season until Mamma Biscuit unveils her famous display! Well, the wait is finally over people because the moment has arrived. It’s been a hectic couple of weeks at the Pug Palace and there were a few discussions earlier on in the month about possibly not putting up the village because of time constraints but when Mamma Biscuit caught wind of such blasphemous talk, she wouldn’t stand for it! She also won’t stand for getting one treat at a time either—she demands at least six treats or else she’ll bark for more but I digress. Now I have no idea where I actually found the time or energy to continue this particular year with our tradition of erecting this Christmas Metropolis but I’m glad I did—and so is Mamma Biscuit. It gives her an opportunity to snack on some fallen snow from the white drape lining the perimeter of this massive display—and you all know how much pugs like to lick up unknown objects from the floor. At any rate, when most people think of Christmas, they think of the giant Christmas tree and skaters on the ice at Rockefeller Center, the windows at Bergdorf Goodman and the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall but we Biscuits know that you all yearn for something grand and truly magnificent—you all yearn for Mamma’s amazing Christmas Metropolis! So bundle up and let’s take a stroll through this festive city, shall we?


As you all know by now, this gigantic collection you see before you is 20 years in the making—and quite frankly, built into my Italian-American-love-for-Christmas DNA. While the average 15-year old was busy cultivating a budding social life and obsessively picking away at their acne-ridden face, I was busy obsessing over the Department 56 catalog with my parents—flushed with excitement as I agonized over which new building to add to what has now become this gigantic Holiday metropolis! Quite frankly, the fact that Mamma Biscuit is the heir to this Christmas extravaganza makes her the envy of all legitimate gold-digging wives worldwide! Since my teens, I have managed to collect more than 45 buildings and hundreds of accessories from both Department 56 and Lemax to create this wonderfully bustling Christmas-in-the-city extravaganza—and every year, it keeps growing! In fact, just this year, I have acquired an iconic New York City building from Department 56 that I simply cannot wait to unveil in our display for next year. Now I know you all are wondering where in the hell do I store all of these goodies and well, I have the most amazing mother in the world who not only houses my houses off season but encourages the madness! My mother-in-law is also responsible for contributing to this mess throughout the years that Tommy and I have been together so she’s just as much to blame for this insanity as anyone else.


Our 5th Avenue is the road furthest to the back where almost all of the Department 56 buildings are positioned. Mamma Biscuit lives, works, shops and plays on this very road! Corporate Business may be what prevails during the day on this strip where the Flat Iron Building proudly stands but at night, The Starlight Room at The Paramount Hotel is the place to be! This premier gay nightclub (marked by the rainbow flag conveniently made with a toothpick and some rainbow ribbon) is bustling with the hottest gay boys and the most chic and fashionable crowd in town. Of course Mamma Biscuit works the velvet rope at the front door at this establishment and let’s just say that she makes Steven Rubel from Studio 54 look like a ticket collector at a County Fair in comparison-so we’re warning you right now, you better put an effort into your look or your not getting in! Also, check out the new Hi De Ho Nightclub right by the train station—they’ve been pulling business away from The Starlight Lounge with their hip, pan-sexual crowd and live musical acts. As you can see, two bar backs have left their shift and headed to the roof top to horse around in the snow!


If your anxious about that dinner-date you planned with that guy with the faceless profile on then either cancel and block his dumb ass or make a reservation for two at the Little Italy Ristorante at the beginning of the road—Mamma Biscuit highly recommends them. They make a great vegan eggplant parmesan, and as you can see, the head chef gets his fruits and veggies freshly delivered.


You could also head to Mamma’s Chinatown for some General Tso’s tofu and vegan fried rice and a couple of fortune cookies—that seems to be a typical first date in any given city!


If heavy Italian food that could anchor a boat or judgemental nightlife isn’t your speed, then come along and take a walk with Mamma Biscuit through her Central Park. There’s great live music and the park rules are so loose, you’ll be able to drink Bavarian-size steins out in the open without the threat of getting a ticket! Hustlers and Hookers are totes welcome to set up shop too—in Mamma’s city, she doesn’t discriminate against sex workers! Don’t worry though, that nun feeding the bird off to the side near the museum entrance has seen priests in her parish engage in far worse activity and won’t care if she overhears your desperate attempts at bargaining for a quickie in some back alley with a tranny lookin’ to make rent!


Check out the many nearby outdoor activities such as ice skating on the glass pond and the Annual Christmas Dog Show Pageant—in Mamma’s city, that pageant highlights rescue dogs only! You can also check out the Christmas Doggie Parade featuring Santa Paws himself on Madison Avenue. If you’re looking for bright lights alla Times Square then go stand in front of the train station with the homeless, the Central Church with the god-fearing folk or the firehouse with those calendar-worthy muscle studs—these buildings are fiber-optic and give off the illusion of digital screens!


Whatever your pleasure is, Mamma Biscuit is positive you can find it here in her Holiday Metropolis. Bustling and bursting at the seams with Holiday excitement, this urban Christmas display up in Mamma’s Pug Palace is just another reason why Christmas in New York City is a unique and wonderful experience!


Enjoy and remember, only 7 more days until the big day!

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