Where are you Daddy?

Posted on September 17, 2011

OK, so they both just plopped me onto this Italian-style bed and left the room, when are they coming back? I’ve been waiting here for 5 minutes but no one has returned. I’m starting to feel super self-conscious with that Mother Mary and Child bust hanging on the wall above my head. I can deal with iconoclastic-Madonna-esque religious stuff but this bust seems to be hovering over me with an air of judgment and it’s making me feel like I have to pee. My tummy is grumbling and I need a snack. When they come back into the room I’ll make sure to run in circles on this bed to let them know. I don’t want to mess up this elegant bed spread but how else will I let them know that I’m hungry? I can try to jump off this bed but it’s too high. Who sleeps at this elevation? A Queen? I’m a Queen and I sleep comfortably on a donut bed that’s 6” off the ground! Snort, Snort, I hear movement in the other room, is that water running from a sink? Those two Daddies of mine are always in the bathroom looking in the mirror! Especially the tall one, he’s always picking at his face. I say leave that scruff on your face alone and come tend to your pug! I’m getting tired of waiting YAWN! I guess I have no choice. This is the burden of being a pet—always waiting!

Posted in First-person narrative | 4 Comments

Mamma’s Biscuits!

Posted on September 14, 2011

To say that Mamma Biscuit daydreams of cookies is not only obvious but a complete understatement! Our little Biscuit Lady lives for those moments when a cookie crumbles accidentally on the floor—and when it does, she darts right in like a hawk to lap up the crumbs with her epic tongue! Tommy and I constantly joke about how Mamma’s face actually resembles a chocolate chip cookie. Her buttery-fawn-folds with black-spotted features all conspire to make Mamma’s face look like a soft-batch treat that could be found down the cookie aisle at any grocery store! At any rate, Mamma has been daydreaming of soft & chewy Sweet Semosh chocolate chip treats—and of course as you all know, whatever Mamma wants, Mamma gets! So 30 minutes later, Tommy has whipped up a batch of delightful vegan chocolate chip treats and leaves everyone at the Biscuit household wondering, who the hell says dreams don’t come true?

Lets face it, Sweet Semosh Cakey Chocolate Chip Cookies makes everything better. Not since Ruth Wakefield dropped toll house chocolate chip morsels into her butter cookies, has there been a more satisfying chocolate chip cookie than Sweet Semosh’s.


Dense yet fluffy, sweet yet savory, these cookies are sure to please over and over. Tommy uses Ghiradelli semisweet chocolate and sea salt to create a masterpiece of a cookie. And like a potato chip, one is never enough.


Now don’t you wish you could reach out and grab one (or two, or three) of these delicious treats. I wish I could say Mamma will save one for you, but that’s not possible.

Editor’s Note: Mamma doesn’t actually eat chocolate, but she wishes she could.

Enjoy

Posted in Sweet Semosh | 3 Comments

Back to school Mamma!

Posted on September 9, 2011

Labor Day has come and gone and the easy and carefree summer days are coming to a close. The new school year has just begun and Mamma Biscuit has been preparing for her first day of class. Surprised? Our little bitch may be 10 years old but she’s never too old to continue to higher her education and to brush up on her literature studies. Yes, we run a tight ship at the Biscuit household—ok, we may not be as strict as Madonna, afterall we do allow TV watching (a whole lot of it in fact), magazines (OK Magazine and the Inquirer mostly) and bouquet’s of Hydrangeas in the house, however, we also expect our little gremlin to stay sharp and engaged! So Mamma Biscuit has enrolled at the local community college to take a Literature 101 course. She’s prepared to throw herself into the classics—Hamlet, Romeo and Juliet, Julius Ceasar and Macbeth among many other works from Shakespeare—and boy is she excited!

Now, to prepare for the curriculum of this class we’re sending Mamma Biscuit off in style with a fabulous new black dress with white polka dots for her to wear on her first day (a good first-impression is very important), a stack of our original copies of Shakespeares’ works tied together with a rope/belt from my Jean Paul Gaultier sailor-inspired pants (she has two gay dads, what the hell did you expect), and a nice juicy apple for her professor as a greeting gift! Now if that doesn’t reek of an A+ then put me back in remedial classes with detention for a month—what the hell do I know!

Lastly, let’s all pray that our little bitch actually goes to class this year. Mamma is easily distracted and has a tendency to hop into open car doors (slut) and is always looking for a treat to snack on—especially while smoking in the girls bathroom. I can just see her now running down some dank hallway into the girls bathroom dragging our books all over the floor only to have a smoke with Divine and her hair-whore friends to bitch about having parents who won’t buy her a pair of Cha Cha heels—they seem to be all the rage this year!


Enjoy the new school year and BEHAVE!

Posted in Fashion, School | 2 Comments

A laborious Labor Day weekend!

Posted on September 8, 2011

Mamma Biscuit really knows how to pay homage to the hardworking people of this country and their contribution to the economy. How you ask, by spending the entire Labor Day weekend in bed with me rolled up like a cannoli in one of her plushy blankets. We can’t blame our little gremlin entirely. Despite the fact that coma-length napping is Mamma’s forte, her Daddy (that would be me) came down with the worst case of allergies alongside an unknown virus—all of which put the last nail in the coffin that was my holiday weekend!

It’s amazing, the moment the clock strikes September, my nose begins to run, my eyes begin to get watery and my throat becomes dry and abrasive as sand paper in a wood shop. Boy did I have a shitty weekend and it only extended into my work week (which I called out sick from on Tuesday and Wednesday) only to visit my doctor and to have her tell me that I’m suffering from a virus along with my allergies and that I just need to “wait it out” ugh! Thanfully she prescribed some painkillers (email me if you want some for recreational purposes, 5 bucks a pill) and I have my Mamma Biscuit to cuddle up with . . . oh and Tommy too. Yes, he’s been tremendous when it came to preparing cup after cup of tangerine zinger tea with honey to soothe my unbearable throat!

Anyway, enough of my sickness talk and back to Mamma Biscuit, after all, this is her blog. Doesn’t Mamma look so cozy and cute in these photos! No prescription that any doctor could ever write up can come close to the healing power that is Mamma Biscuit!

She was there the entire time, snoring in my face and generally muscling her way into my comfortable spot on the sofa or bed. Bitch is lucky she’s so damn cute and I’m simply lucky that I did not overdose on Chloraseptic and Ricola! Oh, and lastly, here is my Tommy and Mamma having a snuggle moment as I left the bed to blow the crap out of my nose and to gargle with warm salt water!


Posted in Holiday, Just Because . . . | 2 Comments

Mamma’s Reminiscence

Posted on September 2, 2011

Mamma and The Biscuits had the lovely opportunity of revisiting the St. Lawrence Antique Market in Toronto two weeks ago and stumbled upon a dealer who sold handmade bobbin lace, trim and collars from the 1920’s to the late 1950’s. The dealer, Janet Alderman, had an extensive supply and knowledge of antique linens and lace and assisted our Mamma Biscuit in a fitting for two wonderfully chic collars from the 1940’s—all while giggling the entire time as we wrapped Mamma’s mink stole in satin and lace! Thankfully she found humor in it all and didn’t think we were a pair of loons or call the ASPCA on us. Moreover, it was quite comical how Mamma drew in a crowd around Janet’s booth of other sellers laughing and giggling at the prospects of a pug wearing a Marlene Dietrich inspired collar. Hey, why not? Some dogs enjoy wearing a bandana wrapped around their neck, Mamma enjoys vintage lace and satin—that’s just how the doggie biscuit crumbles!

The first collar that caught my attention was this fantastic bobbin lace-netted collar with ruffled trim. The moment we wrapped this baby around Mamma’s neck, I knew she had to have it—I think she even licked my hand to give me her approval. This chic look just fell into place when we paired it with a vintage diamond brooch from Mamma’s private collection! Honestly, I can’t take how old guard Hollywood Mamma Biscuit looks here—maybe I should have turned these photos over to grayscale for further effect!


The second collar that fell into my hands was this super chic and super delicate satin collar with laced detail. The color alone perfectly matched Mamma Biscuit’s fawn-colored coat. We used a matching cream Dalmatian brooch with gold detailing from Mamma’s private collection as a closure for the collar and to add more sophistication and glamour to the overall look!


With these two collars, Mamma Biscuit is totes ready for the early Fall season. A time when the weather calls for something lighter than a sweater and without compromising impeccable style!


Enjoy

Posted in Fashion, Vintage | 4 Comments