Visited by the Tooth Fairy!

So as you all know, Mamma Biscuit is practically toothless. After 8 years in a puppy mill, Mamma’s teeth were neglected and left to decay in her mouth before her rescue. Upon close inspection of the inside of her mouth, our little bitch currently has 4 teeth left—2 fangs and 2 molars. The rest of her mouth and gums look like a grilled portobello mushroom. With that said, we thought Mamma deserved a gift from the tooth fairy. Hey, why not? She lost almost every single tooth in her mouth and never received a single dime under her pillow—can you think of any other dog that is more deserving? Anyway, while Mamma was sleeping, a little pixie tooth fairy dropped off a fabulous gift for our queen—an appropriate “true love” pug necklace from Gemma Correll.


For those of you who don’t know, Gemma Correll is a fantastic illustrator from England who currently lives in Berlin, Germany with her pug, Mr. Norman Pickles the Pug (he too has a blog and he’s so adogable). I’m so obsessed with Gemma’s Pugs Not Drugs and Pug Life T-shirts from Urban Outfitters. The illustrations are so damn cute and I fully support the positive messages and the overall pug lifestyle they encourage!

Mamma loves her new necklace and prances around the house proudly while wearing it! Actually, I intend on borrowing it from her from time to time—that’s how much I love it! At least something good came out of losing all of those teeth!

Mamma’s gift came with some cute pins and a great French bulldog postcard—YAY!

Enjoy

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Hot Mamma in the pool!

One look through these photos and you too will agree that Mamma Biscuit should be the new face of Sandals all-inclusive Caribbean resorts. In fact, I’m emailing them a copy of these photos along with a persuasive letter asking them to consider Mamma for their next Ad campaign after I finish writing up this post. Cross your fingers and hope for the best!


Here are a few photos of our little summer pug cooling down in the pool out in Long Island on July 4th. Honestly, the only thing missing from Mamma’s blow-up boat is a martini glass holder with a drink in it and a big sun hat on her head! I only wish that my camera had an underwater feature because a photo of Mamma’s chicken legs wiggling and paddling in such a clumsy rotation would have been priceless!


Stay cool, use plenty of sunscreen and enjoy!

Posted in Outdoor Life | 6 Comments

Happy 4th of July!

Nothing screams American Independence Day more than a yellow summer dress with black polka dots on a pug. I mean really, only in America could a pug with an abnormally long tongue find independence from a puppy mill and land herself in the home of two queers who not only have the right to get married in New York state (HELL YEAH) but have the audacity to put her in an ensemble like this. It’s practically just as American as baseball, Paula Dean, hot dogs, bible-thumping, Elvis and apple pie!

Here is Mamma Biscuit showing off her new summer dress before heading out to a pool party in Long Island. Our little toothless gremlin really knows how to channel her inner bumble bee in this frock—but don’t worry, she doesn’t sting! In fact, she can’t even bite (as you know, there is no dental plan available in a puppy mill) so she’s rendered all gums! I just love how glassy her marble-eyes can get when she’s concentrating really hard on a dangling piece of doggie treat behind the camera lens. Hey, whatever it takes to get a semi-decent photograph (ughh, I hate my camera but that’s a whole other story).

So before we embark on the LIRR out to West Hempstead, let’s make sure we have packed everything Mamma needs to commemorate the independence of America from the Kingdom of Great Britain:

• Mamma’s Dick Van Patten’s Natural Balance food in Vegetarian Formula, CHECK

• Poopy bags (in pink, they ran out of the patriotic red, white and blue bags), CHECK

• Mamma’s travel Lacoste bag, CHECK

• A bag of soft-chew treats (our little bitch needs to nosh at all hours of a social event, actually, so do we), CHECK

• Sunscreen and bug spray (more for Daddy than Mamma), CHECK

• Rainbow sparklers for Mamma to hold during the fire works show, CHECK

Looks like Mamma is ready to rock-n-roll!

From Mamma to you, Happy 4th of July!
Ruff Ruff

Posted in Fashion, Holiday | 8 Comments

Christmas in July

It’s July 1st and Mamma and the Biscuits are totally excited for the upcoming Christmas programming on QVC. For those of you who are not aware of the spectacle that is Christmas in July on QVC then you might as well kill yourself because clearly, you’ve been living under a rock and lack morals! All kidding aside though, people everywhere like to throw parties during July that mimic Christmas celebrations, bringing the atmosphere of Christmas among the hot and humid temperatures. These parties may include Santa Claus, ice cream and other cold foods and gifts. . . . and usually exist within the confines of my head (I know, the closer we get to December, the more I need to be medicated). But really though, July marks the halfway point on the calendar to the arrival of Christmas and although Mamma Biscuit has Christmas in her heart all year round, this month signals the start of her extensive holiday planning. The Biscuits will be busy toiling away with blue prints detailing exactly how the pug palace will be decorated come December and what the theme of our annual holiday card will be—all that planning while spinning Christmas records on the turntable at such a nauseating rate. But back to QVC, they clearly take advantage and use this time period where yuletide idiots like ourselves begin to yearn for Christmas as a retail marketing strategy (not that I ever need any push to purchase anything Christmas related throughout the entire year—damn that Ebay). It makes sense though, June is a great month to purchase gifts for weddings, graduations, Father’s Day, and buying summer clothes and outdoor entertaining items. July is still too early for back to school shopping and practically dead in the retail world HOWEVER it is the perfect opportunity for the home shopping networks to grab middle America by the balls and to shove some consumeristic holiday fear of not being able to get all of your shit done in enough time before the 25th of December. In comes the QVC army with their fiber optic wreaths and trees, dizzying array of lights, permanently swagged garland, prelit trees that practically build and decorate themselves, talking snowmen and their respective sex partners and a plethora of hideous holiday sweaters to solidify this fear and the overall bad taste afflicting our nation. Afterall, our economy survives on this formula! Just so you all know, we have never purchased any seasonal products from QVC but we love every single “made in the People’s Republic of China” moment regarding this home shopping extravaganza (read that word the way RuPaul would say it) and honestly, after watching any holiday segment within this event, you too will agree that resin is the material of our lives. It’s as if the Collection Etc. Catalog was put in video form with awful demonstrations of how to make your home look extra hideous during the season and we simply can’t get enough of it! QVC will undoubtedly put together an incredible line up on July 24th and 25th that will undoubtedly make John Waters want to slather eggnog all over his naked body while listening to Bing Crosby on the record player. Oh Alright, maybe not John Waters but possibly me. . . .ehh, who the hell are you to judge me anyway? You can learn more about this event here and rework that entire week accordingly. Mamma Biscuit will be watching, will you?

On a sad note concerning QVC, we would like to take this opportunity to express our sympathy and sheer sadness for the death of a national treasure: Jeanne Bice—a designer and QVC host known for her ridiculous headbands and boisterous personality. She passed away at the age of 71 on June 13, 2011. Jeanne Bice started the Quacker Factory clothing line and first appeared on QVC in 1995. She brought brightly colored, ill-fitting, bedazzled outfits and hideous seasonal-themed clothing to the network and garnered a legion of fans—Mamma Biscuit included. The Quacker empire spanned television, internet and even ocean cruises and despite it’s strong-hold on the obese market looking for a little flare and sparkle, in my opinion, it simply won’t be the same without her. We could always rely on Jeanne to bring us the very latest in disgusting holiday sweaters and I’m personally going to miss her sausage-link fingers and acrylic nails gracing my television screen during a camera close-up while pointing and describing a bedazzled detail to a hideously rendered Christmas tree on an itchy looking sweater! For a quintessential Jeanne Bice moment, click here. May she rest in peace up in the home shopping network in the sky where every cloud is bedazzled with rhinestones and all holiday sweaters in XXXL are SOLD OUT!

And finally, since I’ve gotten myself into a Christmas frenzy just writing this post, I think I’ll share with you all another Christmas pick from Mamma’s holiday collection. As you all know, Mamma has been sharing Christmas decor and tips (vintage and new) since she started this blog and kicking off Christmas in July on QVC would be incomplete without highlighting something new. Christmas of 2010 marked the beginning of a new collection for the Biscuits—a vintage paper village. It’s fairly small (especially compared to our ceramic, Department 56 city) but we are happy to report that we have a fantastic, vintage edition to add to this small collection—a gold-glittered, paper church with removable steeple & bell and built in miniature bottle-brush trees. This Church dates back to the early 1950’s and has amazing red stained-glass windows and an access for a light in the back. It’s constructed beautifully and will totally add charm to our budding paper village—we can’t wait to show you all in December how it will look put together!

Enjoy but beware, Christmas is only 177 days away so get crackin’ people!

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Mamma’s got Pride!

Mamma Biscuit and her two dads would like to wish everyone around the world a very HAPPY GAY PRIDE! Today is a day we take pride in the affirmation of ourselves and the community as a whole. It’s also a day we assemble to watch bare-chested muscle studs running around, weaving in between giant disco-floats and sweaty drag queens shuffling along a steamy, hot and humid parade down 5th Avenue in NYC. All kidding aside though, our movement as LGBT people is about pride in our sexual orientation and gender identity, that diversity is a gift and should be celebrated not feared, and that sexual orientation and gender identity are inherent and cannot be intentionally altered!

Today is a day to remember and honor the courage of those in 1969 who finally took a stand against authority and demanded to simply exist and gather within a self-made, gay community without being physically assaulted and incarcerated through police raids. The Stone Wall Riots not only set us off into a movement that would liberate us sexually as well as socially, it united us during times of crisis such as the onset of the Aids epidemic and continues to push forward—changing the mainstream views about who we are as people. We will not be defined and morally judged by the sex that we have but by our individual character, talents and positive contributions to the small communities that we live in and to the world at large! As we push forward with our fight for Marriage equality on a nationwide level (New York state just becoming the 6th state to grant marriage equality this weekend, congratulations) and being able to serve our country openly and honestly, let’s us remember how far we’ve come.

Today is our day to celebrate our identity and the diversity and talents we bring to the global table—not only because we have overcome many of our own personal demons of shame but because throughout our fight, we now have the opportunity to do so in such a public way. More importantly though, today is a day to remember all those around the world who don’t have a voice and the power to pursue a fulfilling, liberated life. Those who continue to suffer physically and emotionally under homophobic laws and communities that openly use violence against LGBT people. As a gay man living a fabulous life with a long-time partner in NYC—all while toting around a pug with an abnormally long tongue, it’s easy to forget the suffering of all those who remain in the closet from all corners of the world for survival. Eighty countries around the world still maintain laws which make homosexuality illegal. In Iran, Mauritania, Saudi Arabia, Sudan and Yemen, as well as parts of Nigeria and Somalia, homosexual acts are punishable by death. In Egypt if a gay relationship becomes public, the police may use it as evidence in a criminal indictment for the various laws against Satanism, prostitution and public immorality. In many African countries, such as Zimbabwe and Zambia, homophobia is legitimized by governments. Criminalization of homosexuality remains strong in more than half the countries in Africa, and gay people face persecution and violence from police, employers, hospitals and community organizations. A Gay Pride Parade in Russia is met with homophobic skinheads (not the hot and sleazy kind you find on Recon) with bricks and bottles, ready to violently attack anyone who shows a shred of positive identity as an LGBT person. And despite how far LGBT rights have come in Israel, Australia and parts of Europe (especially in countries like Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Iceland, Netherlands, Germany, England, France and Spain) Italy is still by far the worst in Western Europe when it comes to gay visibility and acceptance on a day-to-day basis all due to the pathetic fears and shame that the Vatican imposes on the country. Eastern European countries such as Hungary, Bulgaria, Poland and Romania are no picnic either when it comes to gay tolerance as almost all LGBT couples wouldn’t feel comfortable on any given day to walk hand-in-hand with their partner in public let alone have any political voice concerning laws to acknowledge and protect them. Closer to home, Jamaica (voted most homophobic place on the planet by Time Magazine in 2006) and Haiti among other countries in Latin America such as Brazil (surprisingly) and Mexico are all places that have mind-boggling statistics of violence against LGBT people. Every two or three days a person is killed in Brazil in violence connected with his or her sexuality and in Mexico, the reported figure is nearly two deaths a week (UN Aids, 2009). Though no country in Latin America criminalizes homosexuality, clearly, there’s still pervasive homophobia that thrives on a daily basis. The violence toward LGBT people in these two countries (and throughout Latin America) hinders efforts to prevent HIV which then compounds the stigma of homosexuality and encourages more violence and no solution in sight!

So as we dance around on 5th avenue today, kissing, holding hands, drinking lukewarm vodka from a Poland Spring bottle and chanting Lady Gaga’s Born This Way (which in my opinion is a lame version of Madonna’s Express Yourself, but I digress) let us remember how fucking lucky we are that we have such a rich history of courageous LGBT people and FIERCE drag queens who started this great, wonderful path toward freedom, celebration and unity! Let us remember that the core ideals of America—life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is at the root of any kind of fight for equality—whether it be race, gender, sexual orientation or religious freedom. Mamma Biscuit knows a thing or two about being confined and oppressed by a corrupt and powerful source and she has now found her freedom and her happiness with us—the same way we will find our equality and our true happiness as valued and respected American citizens—and one day, as global citizens!

Happy Pride!

• All figures used in this post are from the Billy Doll Collection—the world’s first out and proud Gay doll •

Posted in Holiday, Soapbox | 11 Comments