Mamma’s Secret Valentine!

Posted on February 14, 2012

Early Saturday morning there came a knock at our front door. I rarely like to answer the door because the last thing I want to do is get into a heated debate with an annoying Jehovah’s Witness about whether God really exists while standing half naked beside my half opened door—or worse, having to tell the bug guy once again that his services are not needed at the pug palace because we actually clean our apartment and therefore rarely get any roaches! At any rate, I reluctantly went to my door upon hearing this gentle knock to see who it was through the peep hole and saw nothing on the other side of the door! I thought to myself “those damn prankster kids have a lot of nerve playing ring and run on me, how dare they?” and I returned to the sofa to continue watching TV while Mamma Biscuit continued sleeping, curled up so warmly in her donut bed! A while later I heard a scuffle at the door again and I quickly shot up from the sofa and ran to the front door but this time I swiftly opened it, and there was no one around, however, I felt something plop on my foot and when I looked down, there it was—a Valentine’s Day heart box of chocolates from Russell Stover with a small note that said I LOVE MAMMA BISCUIT written in chicken scratch on a piece of paper attached to it!

Well, Well I thought to myself, looks like our little harlot, scarlet, queen of Coney Island has been off to the races and has met a gentleman-dog-caller behind my back—how dare she?!? If there is one thing Bing Crosby and I share besides our love for Christmas, it’s that we are both very strict disciplinarian parents—although I don’t hit my child, I just smother her with soft-chew treats instead! Now if there is another dog in the neighborhood that has eyes for my little girl, they better come barking for my permission first before making such a bold move as to send flowers, or worse, non vegan chocolate from some Valentine’s Day stock at the local Duane Reade—that stuff is toxic for dogs to ingest! Now when in the hell did my little Lana Del Biscuit go out on a date or simply meet another dog without my permission? Have I been dressing Mamma Biscuit too slutty lately? Be honest with me, I can handle it! Where did I go wrong here? Is this just the beginning of the end for me as Mamma’s daddy? No one loves Mamma Biscuit more than I do and I literally felt threatened by this kind gesture as I stood there, almost completely nude (I was just wearing underwear) with this heart box in my hands! God I was so confused and I had so many questions slowly bubbling up to the surface that I wanted answers to!


At this point, our little slut puppy awoke and sauntered over to the door as I closed it and she had the biggest smirk on her face! I looked at her and point blank asked her, “do you know anything about this?” with an accusatory voice as I put the box under her nose. That’s when her tongue unrolled out of her mouth and all I could do was laugh uncontrollably! Meanwhile, the rolodex of people I knew in my head was on speed-spin as I tried to think of who was behind such a gift—and all I could come up with was the bug guy! Yes, for a hot moment I began to speculate that the guy who went door-to-door looking to spray sugar water in every kitchen in my apartment building had a side obsession with pugs—specifically MINE! Thank goodness I came to my senses before I built the nerve to call Chris Hanson of To Catch A Predator to file a complaint!


So the next best thing that I could do while waiting for Tommy to return from running an errand that morning was to dress the Biscuit Lady up in something red, throw on this sexy track on the record player, and take a photoshoot of her and this ridiculous gift from her secret admirer—and here she is in all of her post gift-receiving glory! Honestly, it was the first time that I felt like a parent, looking at Mamma in a suspicious way, wondering who could be admiring her romantically from afar. I said to myself, “Now I know what fathers of their real daughters feel once their girl becomes sweet 16!”


By the time Tommy returned home, the Biscuit Lady had fallen asleep—practically on top of this box of chocolates! Our bitch doesn’t care, she can take a nap on a bed of nails that’s how much she loves to sleep! Upon recounting the tale of Mamma’s new secret admirer, Tommy quickly started laughing and within seconds admitted that he was the one who put the chocolates by the door! CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM? He found the box of chocolates in the basement, completely shrink-wrapped and unopened and decided to nearly give me a heart attack with this prank!


At any rate, The Biscuit Household would like to wish you all a very Happy Valentine’s Day! Tommy and I will be spending the evening with our little pug, nestled between us, WHERE SHE BELONGS instead of gallivanting out on the town with some secret male pug lover—or worse, some delinquent biker mutt with a spiky dog collar—that would just break my heart!

Enjoy

Posted in Fashion, Holiday | 6 Comments

Chocolate Day Dreams!

Posted on February 9, 2012

Mamma is back with her Sweet Semosh baked goods and she’s hitting you all hard with a mid-winter chocolate vengeance! Now just to be clear, Mamma Biscuit doesn’t really have specifics when it comes to day dreaming of food—the bitch just wants to eat whatever is in our hands (and that could be actual food or a simple nail clipper, it makes no difference to her) however, I sometimes stare at her while she sleeps and envision cookies, muffins, cakes and candy (all vegan of course) dancing around her head and whenever I do this, she cracks a smile as if to tell me that I’m right! I know, I’m a crazy dog person, if you haven’t gotten that by now then I have news for you, you’re probably one as well! When Tommy hits the kitchen to work his baking magic, somehow, in the middle of Mamma’s deep sleep, she’ll literally stumble her way out of her warm bed (guided by her nose) and plant herself at the entrance of the kitchen to stare at him! Bitch makes it known that she knows what’s going down in the kitchen and that she will not be ignored! I don’t blame her one bit, I do the same exact thing except I stumble off the sofa, away from the TV (that’s a big deal for me) and sit right by Mamma to make my presence known too! Either way, we’re both relegated to stay behind the gate, only being allowed to smell that wonderful aroma!


So it’s February and by now, everyone I know has totally given up on their New Years resolution of dieting and exercising and is in total need of a mid-winter-slump-pick-me-up! In comes our Totally Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookies hand baked by my better half. Brace yourself because we’re talking about one glorious pound of chocolate for all of you chocolate lovers out there, ONE POUND! That’s right, Dutch cocoa powder, semi-sweet chocolate and heaps of chocolate chips all conspire to make one dramatically yummy chocolate chocolate chip cookie!



Now if you’re a true chocolate lover, you’d pair a plate of these cookies off with a glass of hot cocoa! For me, it’s a tall glass of water with ice, I’m not that hardcore! If anyone wants to order these babies, just contact Mamma Biscuit, you won’t be sorry!

Enjoy

Posted in Sweet Semosh | 6 Comments

L-U-V Madonna

Posted on February 3, 2012

The official music video for Madonna’s Give Me All Your Luvin’ has finally arrived to kick off the Super Bowl Weekend and Mamma Biscuit is shakin’ her curly tail in approval! Boy has it been Madonnamania at the Pug Palace all month long! I won’t even begin to recap all of her TV appearances lately because there have been so many—and I’m assuming/hoping you have seen them all by now.

The Crypt-Keeper of Pop is back with a vengeance and she’s not taking any prisoners with her! That’s right, I’m aiming that comment at all you little monsters out there—Madge eats small children to stay youthful and you’re on her menu, so I would keep your mouth shut and let her do her damn thing! After a 4 year break from the music industry to write and direct her new film W.E., Madge has finally blown the lid right off of the coffin she resided in to bring us all a new album and an epic Super Bowl half time show this Sunday! I can guarantee you all that the gay viewership with this years game will be through the roof—and when old gollum arms hits the stage with Nicki Minaj and M.I.A., the global gay community will erupt in a real-time as well as digital frenzy—tweeting, twatting, Facebooking, blogging or simply passing out between a keg of beer (we’re butch gays) and a giant bowl of Lays potato chips—you name it, the queers will be WATCHING! Shoot, as far as we are concerned, The Giants and The Patriots are the opening act for Our Dear Leader and once she’s done with her medley of hits (Vogue followed by Music, Give Me All Your Luvin’, Open Your Heart, Express Yourself and ending with Like a Prayer) we will swiftly change the channel to Bravo for yet another repeat of the reunion episode of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Yeah, so I just spewed out a bunch of gay stereotypes, so what, who the fuck cares!

Now onto this mess of a video! Both Gwen Stefani and Avril Lavigne are on the phone with their lawyers as I’m writing this post and I’m not even going to bring up poor Toni Basil, she’s probably somewhere in South America living off the grid!

Firstly, I would like to say that Madge looks better than ever in this video! The make-up and hair team deserve a goddamn Golden Globe for spackling on such a face with poreless results that only an airbrush tool in photoshop could achieve! And that beauty queen hair is beyond . . . yeah, I’ll just let that word linger, that’s how good that mane looks! Madonna takes us on a fun walk/run/dance through a fake and flimsy set that looks like it would collapse if someone merely passed wind or sneezed! She’s followed by a herd of football players aiding her, adoring her, saving her from gunshots (symbolism or were they actually little monsters hired by Lady Gaga?) as she heads to her destination: an illusions lounge taken from the set of Rupaul’s Drag Race where both Nicki and M.I.A. are waiting for her dressed as boy toy brides. Upon entering, Madonna morphs into a “Reductive” version of Marilyn Monroe, although she’s giving us more of a Sex Book Madonna than anything else! I mean, did you catch that snarl on her face while dancing on that table? and the mole, she brought back the mole! I. DIED. The last bit with the baby is totes symbolic of her children being a hindrance of sorts. Bitch threw that baby off the set because she wants her career back—and you know what I say to that? TOUCHDOWN!

On another note, if you haven’t seen Madonna on Graham Norton you should. He unveiled these incredible dolls of Madonna’s different looks throughout her career. Click here to see the video! The two Italian designers, Mario Paglino and Gianni Grossi presented an annoyed Madonna with these dolls and she could barely spit out a compliment! I mean, after watching her reaction to these dolls, you kind of want to change the chorus to Give Me All Your Luvin’ from
L-U-V . . . Madonna to C-U-N-T . . . Madonna! Here are a few dolls that I have selected from this amazing collection. You can see all of them on their web site by clicking here!

Dress You Up

MTV Music Awards, Like a Virgin

Material Girl

La Isla Bonita

Vogue, The Girlie Show

Like a Virgin, Blond Ambition Tour

Express Yourself, Blond Ambition Tour

Keep it Together, Blond Ambition Tour

Justify My Love, Girlie Show

Erotica

Future Lovers/ I Feel Love, Confessions Tour

Celebration music video

And here is another funny skit/moment on the Graham Norton show of the perils of doing international press. Follow along as James Darcy and Andrea Riseborough translate a Madonna interview from Hungary in 1997, it’s hysterical!

Lastly, to finish off the start of our Madonna weekend, here is Hi-Fashion killing it with their perfect track, I’m Not Madonna!

Let the half time show begin and long live the Crypt Keeper of Pop

Super Bowl half-time tour-de-force!

Here is a closer look at the designs of Riccardo Tisci at the House of Givenchy for Madonna’s Super Bowl Halftime performance. Photos courtesy of Madonnalicious.com.



Enjoy

Posted in Fashion, Music | 7 Comments

Mamma’s Factory, NYC!

Posted on February 1, 2012

It’s easy to pass by the Decker Building at 33 Union Square West or the building at 860 Broadway without knowing their historical significance in the world of Pop Art. We’ve done it for years so don’t feel so bad. It really wasn’t until I read the book Just Kids written by Patti Smith did I realize that Andy Warhol had his “Factory” here, first in the Decker building, in 1968 and then he moved it a block away, in the 1970’s to Broadway and 17th Street where Petco now resides. I just knew that Petco was sitting on holy soil, after all, Mamma Biscuit had her dog tags pressed there on a bone-shaped tag made of iridescent metal—not such a far cry from Andy’s silkscreens and magazine!



So in case you haven’t read Patti’s amazing tale (which I think you should) of living in NYC in the late 60’s and 70’s with the great Robert Mapplethorpe, than this 10-foot-tall silver Andy Monument created by Rob Pruitt will surely honor and mark the place for you—not that Patti herself cared for Andy all that much but Robert was a bit obsessed with him! Now this shiny statue towers over the small pedestrian plaza at 17th Street near the spot where Valerie Solanas attempted to murder Andy in 1968. The monument itself was commissioned by the Public Art Fund and was sculpted by hand using a digital scan of a live model.



Here, Andy Warhol is dressed in Levis 501s (my favorite of all jeans) a Brooks Brothers blazer and wearing a Polaroid camera around his neck while carrying a Medium Brown Bag from Bloomingdale’s. I tried to explain to Mamma Biscuit that the Bloomies bag probably contained a stack of Interview Magazines (the magazine Warhol founded in 1969) and not a pile of soft-chew treats—and judging by how she kept staring at the bag, I had a feeling she wasn’t buying my assumptions! Actually, our little gremlin was probably blinded by the harsh reflections bouncing off of the surface of this statue altogether. Seriously, I wouldn’t be surprised if the reflection off the silver surface on this monument could direct sunlight to downtown Oslo, Norway! That would just tickle me silly to have Mamma’s silhouette alla Batman’s logo in the moonlit gotham sky made from such a reflection all over a cityscape in Norway, could you imagine? Anyway, Mamma had no clue who Andy Warhol is/was and for all she knows, this monument could very well be Paula Deen post diagnosis of Type 2 Diabetes—a year later of course, after she’s lost the weight! Either way, Mamma’s ink-blue coat against the backdrop of that silver simply looks fantastic, don’t you think?



So off we Biscuits went to spend a fun-filled Sunday afternoon with our little gremlin, taking in some park time at Union Square, visiting the Andy Monument (which will be taken down on May 13th) and some fun shopping on the Lower East Side. Now the Biscuit Lady sure knew how to draw in a crowd while taking these photos. How sad yet so incredibly funny that it took our little pug in an ink-blue felt coat to actually get people to look at this statue. I mean really, I just wanted to scream out “THIS IS FUCKING ANDY WARHOL, PEOPLE” when the crowd gazed up at it with such confused looks on their faces! At the same time, I was so entranced by the squealing of the onlookers in response to Mamma’s unbearable cuteness, how could I judge them? So Mamma Biscuit licked Andy’s silver foot and gave this monument a once over after a few snapshots and then walked off in the direction of Maoz Falafel, obviously looking for food as usual!








Later that afternoon, we stopped in at our favorite fun house/boutique in Manhattan: Patricia Fields on the Bowery and girl, let me just tell you that there was a giant 20% off sale on their entire inventory! So in between trying on hand-painted tank tops with motorcycle-studded detailing and having to endure our friend trying on gold-glittered jeggings (ughh, it was not pretty), Mamma was able to capture the attention of the transgendered Asian boy/girls styling a photo shoot in the wig section near the hair salon in the back of the men’s department! Yes, as I took the Biscuit Lady out of her Lacoste travel bag, the gaggle of gender-bending Harajuku kids immediately surrounded Mamma with their cameras and started cooing over her unbearable cuteness!

So here is our little gremlin giving us a very convincing Mary errr I mean Mamma J. Blige in her perfectly matched blue bang/hair clip! I was amazed when I actually found it in a pile of typical blonde and black bangs.


Mamma’s practically giving NYC the 411 with this look and lucky for all of us, she’s got no more drama!


Enjoy

Posted in Book Club, Fashion, NYC Life | 10 Comments

Lavender Never Looked So Good!

Posted on January 27, 2012

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and actually admit that Mamma Biscuit has way too many garments! I know, I know, you’re shocked right? But seriously, if it isn’t enough that I’m constantly picking up new digs for our little gremlin every where I go—now I have to deal with my parents and Tommy’s family and all of their efforts of showering the Biscuit Lady as well. Quite frankly, I’m running out of closet space and that’s serious business coming from a gay man like myself who devours fashion like a beast and will create space for yet another “must-have” item! In case you were wondering, the pole in my closet serves no purpose as the giant block of clothes themselves are held up like a tension rod between both interior walls—but I digress!

Now picture this if you can: a frightening yet comical vision of my immigrant Italian parents in the pet fashions isle painstakingly selecting cable-knit sweaters, sporty hoodies with the word “sweetheart” written in script on the backside (thanks dad), knitted dresses and heavy yet stylish winter coats for our little pug! Never in a million years would I have expected my parents to be so smitten with our little pooch! She’s practically the granddaughter they never had in their eyes and the perfect addition to the family that only their gay son and his partner could have ever given them!

Now you’ll be happy to know that the Biscuit Lady received more damn gifts than I did (I’m not bitter by any means) this past holiday season and this lovely lavender, cable-knit sweater with red trim detailing was one of them. Just look at how elegant Mamma looks in this soft-knit paired with a vintage, diamond Laurel wreath brooch. She practically screams
J. Crew leisure + sophistication here—perfect for a trip out to Queens to visit some friends for lunch!

Of course when we got to the subway station, Mamma changed her brooch to something a bit more fun and casual. After all, every lady dog should have at least one back-up accessory in case she loses interest in her first choice when she’s out and about!

The new almond-colored pin with pink yarn detailing that I picked up many years ago from Amsterdam seemed to work better with her sweater, don’t you think?

Enjoy and Happy Friday!

Posted in Fashion, Knitware, NYC Life | 8 Comments