Mamma No. 5!

Posted on August 16, 2012

A girl can never have too much Chanel in her wardrobe when living here in New York City—and you know Karl Lagerfeld is in his studio right about now with a diet coke in one hand, a line of cocaine and a mirror in the other while looking at a pile of houndstooth fabric and repeating that very same sentiment in his head as he begins to toil away on his next collection! In my case, that’s the exact thought that was running through my head when I found myself rummaging through a pile of vintage scarves in a consignment shop and came across this silk beauty. Now everyone that knows me well knows that I could care less if this scarf is an original left over from a closet sale straight out of Coco Chanel’s apartment in Paris or one of the many fakes flanked alongside every shop on Canal Street! The point here is that a double-C logo, gold gilded illustrations of chains and royal blue silk all priced at a buck and a quarter is a find in my book no matter what side of the economic bracket you belong to! How could I not get this for Mamma Biscuit? Especially since she already has a Givenchy scarf in her wardrobe! I still remember the dead pan look on the cashiers face when I brought it up to the counter to purchase it. ‘YEAH, that’s right bitch’ I thought to myself as I plunked down my pocket change. It takes a gay man with a discerning eye like myself to pull a miracle out of a dusty box of old, dull and nameless scarves! What’s even better is that it was still wrapped up in the original packaging and had never been worn before—what a score! Now that dead pan look on the cashiers face turned into regret and envy very quickly when I told her that the scarf was intended for our chic and stylish pug: Mamma Biscuit—and then I turned on my heel and chuckled to myself as I walked out of the consignment shop! Now if that experience doesn’t define the term highway robbery then I have no idea what would!

At any rate, here are a few snapshots of our Biscuit Lady decked out in her new Chanel scarf/handkerchief. I fastened that ever-so-fashionable knot with a pearl and gold brooch that Tommy and I picked up from an apartment sale in our neighborhood this past Spring for twenty-five cents. I then tilted the entire knot with the brooch to the side of Mamma’s adorable face to make her look more Parisian!



I sure know how to whip up an expensive-looking ensemble for mere pennies and I have to admit, I’m really enjoying how fantastic Mamma Biscuit’s fawn coat looks paired with royal blue silk and gold accents, don’t you?


I don’t think that Mamma had the slightest idea that one day she would be dragging her long and wet tongue across couture silk and posing for the camera when she was being tortured in that terrible puppy mill we rescued her from. Take note people (and dogs), dreams do really come true!

Now you might be wondering where Mamma is heading off to looking so fabulous in her Chanel scarf and well, she’s got a busy day ahead of her! She’ll be taking a stroll down Madison Avenue for some window shopping, then lunch with the Real Housewives of New York City at the Russian Tea Room followed by a quick visit to the MET before heading out for drinks to celebrate Madonna’s birthday at some swanky bar downtown!



Yes people, today is the Queen of Pop’s birthday and last years post can better illustrate our total love, devotion and appreciation for her and her fantastic career.

In the meanwhile, settle into this amazing backdrop video for Madonna’s Justify My Love that is featured on her current MDNA Tour! Tommy and I will be going to see this bitch in all of her glory this September and honestly, we are counting down the days! Take note people, this is what 54 looks like! As for that miserable fuck Elton John, it’s pretty obvious that he hates Madonna because she is the woman he has always wanted to be in life but that he simply cannot be. What Madonna grosses with every record-breaking tour she embarks on, Elton hasn’t made in his entire career or could even imagine making! So to Elton we say, keep putting your fat foot in your mouth attached to that head of yours that resembles a hard-boiled egg when you throw ridiculous insults in Madonna’s direction—it’s really the only relevance you have!

Madonna performing an impeccable set for Vogue at the Olympia in Paris—this bitch is nothing short of FIERCE!

Let’s also relive the Truth or Dare trailer—that famous scene where Madonna is in the Chanel store and answers the phone: “Chanelta on line 1” snap!

Madonna, like Chanel and Mamma Biscuit = Timeless!
Happy Birthday to the Crypt-Keeper of Pop!

Enjoy

Posted in Fashion, Holiday, Music | 4 Comments

Cover Girl!

Posted on August 8, 2012

I have a confession to make y’all; I have been trying so desperately to put Mamma Biscuit on a book cover here at work for the past three years of having her in our lives—and my efforts have almost always been far-fetched and rather futile! It’s rare that I get a manuscript on my desk where the plot of the story is remotely related to animals let alone dogs—and for a while, I was seriously considering putting Mamma’s cute mug on one of the many Urban/Erotica books that seem to come my way! Somehow though, common sense always got in the way of attempting such a design disaster. I mean, I don’t think either the publishers, editors, authors or agents of any of these books would be on board with our Biscuit Lady and her floppy tongue in a compromising position with a thug or pimp silhouetted in the background as a possible book cover. Can you imagine Mamma Biscuit on the cover of a book entitled Lipstick Hustla? Or worse, Diary of a 12 Inch Brotha? (in case you decide to look those two titles up on Amazon, I’m setting the record straight, I did not design them, I just highlighted these two books specifically because they define the genre so well). Anyway, you can only imagine how excited I was when my art director assigned me the wonderful task of coming up with a cover design for a book entitled, The Royal Treatment: A Natural Approach to Wildly Healthy Pets by Dr. Barbara Royal. The stars finally aligned because this seemed like my one and only opportunity to immortalize our Biscuit Lady on a book cover. Honestly, our bitch has been ready since the moment she pranced into our lives, but you know, good things come to those who wait!

Now about the author and the book: Dr. Barbara Royal is a passionate, dedicated, and innovative veterinarian with a unique approach to medicine. Her patients have included countless different species from German shepherds at her private practice, to baby owls in the wild, to zebras in the zoo. Her clients are the humans who live for their pets, much like she does. Her ability to lend a voice to sick or injured animals and carry out the best treatment for them is unmatched. The Royal Treatment is an integrative and revolutionary way to treat your animals, combining holistic and natural medicine with the best of modern science. As far as I’m concerned, Dr. Barbara Royal couldn’t have asked for a better face for her book than Mamma Biscuit! She practically defines what it means to be treated royally, although I have to admit, there is nothing wild about our little gremlin. She’s so devoid of natural instincts (due to her horrible past at the puppy mill) that if an intruder entered the pug palace, she’d offer the criminal a Café Vienna and warm bath in exchange for a soft-chew treat and a pug hug!

Anyway, here is Mamma Biscuit’s debut on the final approved book cover for The Royal Treatment. Our Biscuit Lady is positioned in a very important spot—right beside the author’s name. Initially, I wanted to hang her from the elephant’s trunk but I had a feeling that wouldn’t go over very well with the publisher and editor!

Now in the beginning stages of the design process, I tried very hard to include Mamma Biscuit’s face within the title type treatment but unfortunately, everyone involved with this project outside of myself and Mamma Biscuit were humor impaired and therefore, these concepts were not approved! It’s not like I’m bitter though, I’ve moved on, I swear! At least the public can now see what the title should/would have looked like if I was in charge!

Fortunately though, Mamma Biscuit not only landed a spot on the cover, she also landed the coveted spot on the spine—the most valuable real estate on a book cover! Why you ask? Well, 95% of a book’s life is spent with the spine facing outward. Mamma Biscuit will forever line the spines of the many great libraries of books across this country—all while wearing a crown no less! Really, my prayers have been answered and as per my agreement with God, I’m off to Calcutta to help feed the poor!

So join me in celebrating Mamma Biscuit’s first book cover! The Royal Treatment (Emily Bestler Books) is publishing in September, 2012 so I urge all of you to log onto Amazon or run out to your nearest bookstore to pick up a copy come the first of the month—not only because it’s a fantastic guide for any animal lover but because it will be a collectors item for all you Mamma Biscuit lovers out there in the future! In the meantime, I’m plotting and planning Mamma’s next book cover and who knows, she may show up on the next Paranormal Romance book—or even better, she’ll get her own damn book deal!

Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline—oh who am I kidding, it’s because she’s MAMMA BISCUIT! She better WERK!

Enjoy and Happy Wednesday!

Posted in Book Club, Design | 20 Comments

Park Avenue Art!

Posted on August 1, 2012

There is nothing I enjoy more about living in New York City then roaming the streets aimlessly and stumbling upon a public exhibition of art. It’s free for everyone to see no matter what time of day it may be, and most of all, I love how the art interacts with the urban environment around it. So last week, Mamma Biscuit and I took a stroll down Park Avenue heading downtown to meet some friends at Madison Square Park (just an average day) when we stumbled upon an incredible exhibit of sculptures by French-American artist Niki de Saint Phalle. Now I don’t want you to think that I knew who this artist was the moment I glanced upon one of her sculptures (I never really paid close attention in Art History class and honestly, that’s what the internet is for) but I have to say, the nine sculptures lining the Park Avenue malls from 60th street to 52nd street are incredibly surreal and kind of remind me of the spirit of Pompidou Centre and the sculptures adorning La Defense (Financial District) in Paris, France. Now some of you may be thinking, who the hell is Niki de Saint Phalle? Well, the short answer is she was a self-taught sculptor, painter, and filmmaker who was born in Neuilly Sur Seine in 1930 and died at age 71 in La Jolla, California in 2002. The Swiss-born painter and sculptor Jean Tinguely (1925-1991) was her long-time partner and collaborator of her work. Now to mark the tenth anniversary of Niki’s death, Nohra Haime Gallery has sponsored this retrospective exhibition of nine monumental pieces of her work from July 12th to November 15th, 2012. These sculptures tower as high as 16 feet and extend as wide as 13 feet and are all made of polyester resin with mosaics of ceramic, mirror, and stained glass. Cool, right? So come along and take a digital walk through Park Avenue with me and Mamma Biscuit to take in this incredible exhibit of art!

“I use tales and myths as a springboard to create fantastic creatures of my imagination.” —Niki de Saint Phalle

In Serpent Tree (1991) Saint Phalle depicts a creature with nine coiling serpent heads, each poised to attack—although their faces look less menacing and more sock-puppet in my opinion!

I had to try so hard to prevent Mamma Biscuit from squatting on this sculpture to urinate because our Biscuit Lady has a preference for relieving herself on or near any tree trunk she may stumble upon! Despite that, this piece was not only the first sculpture that I examined, it happened to be my most favorite out of the whole exhibition and I couldn’t tell you why! I guess I like a good piece of art depicting a bunch of serpents! I like what they personify—good and evil!

Miles Davis (1999) and Louis Armstrong (1999) were the next two pieces from her Black Heroes series paying tribute to famous jazz musicians.


These two sculptures caught Tommy’s attention as I knew they would! Tommy just picked up this incredible new Miles David record entitled Bitches Brew (1970) for one dollar at a flea market and we have been spinning it on the turn table all weekend long. In fact, Saint Phalle’s amazing mosaic patchwork on the suit jackets of both of these sculptures really speak to the eccentric jazz musicality of their work!


Now if I can only get my hands on a pair of mirror-mosaic silver pants like the one Louis Armstrong is wearing, my Fall 2012 wardrobe would be complete!

The Bathers (1983)

Grand Step Totem (2001)

A work from Niki’s sculpture garden, Queen Califia’s Magical Circle in Escondido, California. This installation coincides with the ten-year commemoration of Niki de Saint Phalle’s death.

Baseball Player (1999), a tribute to Tony Gwynn.


Basketball Player (1999), honoring Michael Jordan.

Nana On a Dolphin (1998), an impressive piece to say the least.

I had to refrain from saying Beetlejuice three times while viewing this sculpture because for some weird reason, it reminded me of that crazy sand creature/serpent/lockness monster in the movie when the dead couple attempted to leave the house their soul was stuck in.

I know, I’m crazy. The figure in this sculpture is simply standing on a dolphin but whatever, that’s what art does, it makes you react in strange ways!

Last but not least, The artist’s voluptuous Nanas sculptures. Nana is a series of round-bodied statues of women with dominant bodies and small heads that are exuberant and colorful.

The dance-like demeanor of these statues are powerful, proud, and a visual celebration of women worldwide. The word “Nana” is a representation of various goddesses from different cultures from around the world.

The point of the Nana series is to re-evaluate the woman and the woman’s body as something powerful and sacred.

In between waiting for traffic lights to change, Mamma Biscuit took a short breather by the Village Voice dispenser. What a great dog she is for reminding me to pick up the latest issue to get my Michael Musto fix for the day.


It was also uncanny how the aesthetics of Niki de Saint Phalles’ work seemed to creep up on everything along our route that day outside of her sculptures. From these heels in the window at Walter Steiger with their circular design and mosaic-like application of overpriced crystals. . . .

. . . .to the mixed patterns on my drop-crotch pants from Jezebel and Toff. . . .

. . . .to the statue of David in the Meat Packing District covered from neck to base in the iconic Missoni Pattern (sculpture by DEMO & Missoni, until September 2012), everything seemed to radiate the spirit of Niki de Saint Phalles and her colorful, exuberant mosaic texture and joyful spin on silhouettes and subject matter.

Oh, and lastly, here is Tommy trying to take possession of the number five. I’ve been with Tommy for over ten years and I never knew that his favorite number of all time is five! I can’t begin to tell you how awful I felt learning this bit of trivia about my long-time partner, especially since I’m a graphic designer and deal with typography every day of my life. I took the photo but I left the location feeling a bit unsettled!


So there you have it: nine amazing works from Niki de Saint Phalle on public display in NYC and one great unseasonably cool Summer day out with our little gremlin pug and friends!

Enjoy and Happy Wednesday!

Posted in Design, Music, NYC Life | Leave a comment

Merry July 25th!

Posted on July 25, 2012

Look who’s waiting under the mistletoe for a kiss and a pug squeeze . . . it’s our little Christmas gremlin, Mamma Biscuit! Now one at a time y’all, everyone will have a chance to give our Biscuit Lady the pug kisses and hugs she deserves! I swear, if Mamma showed up at a holiday party at any given corporate office looking as fetching as she does right here in this photo, she would inevitably get drunk and then fall into a paper supply closet with another dog for some private butt sniffing and licking! In the meantime, there’s lots of excitement in the air today because it’s July 25th! That’s right, in exactly six months from this very day, we will all be delirious with Christmas delight (or disappointment) as we rip open our gifts left for us under the tree by Santa Claus! Now Christmas in July on QVC has come to an exhaustive end but we here at the Biscuit Household would not let this day pass us by without sharing a few more decorative items we’ve acquired this summer for the upcoming holiday season! Now I know y’all are probably so sick of all of this Christmas talk here at Mamma’s little corner on the web but honestly, we don’t care! Christmas and Mamma Biscuit go together like a call girl and a tube of Maybelline—so come along and check it all out!

If there is one particular ornament that I don’t have hanging anywhere in our holiday display, it’s a dinosaur! I know, I pretty much have everything you can imagine when it comes to ornaments but when I came across this hand blown, Venetian glass ornament of a dinosaur (in the color red no less) I was over the moon!

I met this lovely couple at a flea market in Chelsea a few months back and they had a whole array of glass ornaments that they acquired from an estate sale from a woman who had died up in Chappaqua, New York—and this baby was part of that collection! They actually gave me their business card and invited me to their home in Tuckahoe, New York so that I can check out the entire collection privately and I have to be honest, I’ve been afraid to call them. I just get so uncontrollable around Italian hand blown glass Christmas ornaments that I would probably blow all my rent money on this stuff—and the last thing I would want is for Mamma Biscuit to go hungry over Venetian glass ornaments—that would just be so sad and pathetic!

Anyway, this red dinosaur has some great silver sparkle detailing along his spine and his tail and has hand painted eyes to give him a friendly and festive look. It’s huge in size so I will most likely have to hang this really low on the tree and risk Mamma’s tail getting caught on it or I can hang it on the garland adorning our entryway from the living room to our bedroom and office! Either way, he needs some room to swag from a branch and to be fully displayed!

Next is this crazy-ass Santa head made from molded plastic with a styrofoam cone hat and decrepit pipe cleaner fur trim. I have no idea what this “Santa” head belonged to but I knew that when I saw it at the Hell’s Kitchen Flea Market several weeks ago, I had to have it!

I still can’t decide whether I want to actually display this for Christmas or break it out as a tree topper for my Halloween tree—that’s how frightening this Santa looks. It really comes as no surprise that it was made in Germany in the 1940’s because I’m getting an overall Krampus vibe from it—and if you have no idea what that is, click here. We actually made Krampus ornaments for our Halloween tree last year even though he’s a traditional Christmas icon for Germany and that’s why I have a feeling this piece would look great with our Halloween decor. Now the back story on this “Satan Santa” is as follows: the seller went on an estate sale and came across an antique dresser drawer from the 1960’s with the drawers filled to the brim with stuff. He bought the entire dresser drawer with all of the contents in it and when he got it home, he started to unload it all. He found that within one of the drawers, the previous owner left a time capsule of stuff bundled together in a tin box entitled “Time Capsule, Year 1964” (I know, how cool is that) and within that tin box came this Santa head along with some very cool stuff. I really wonder what this head belonged too but more importantly, it is now part of my collection and I will somehow appropriate it in a totally unconventional and inappropriate way for the Holidays—you’ll just have to guess which one!

Want to know what else came out of that “Time Capsule, Year 1964” tin box? Surprise, some more Christmas stuff, like these plastic Santa cake decoration heads.


I guess it must have been a big Christmas year in 1964 for the person who put this pile of stuff together ! I wonder why anyone would put so many Christmas items in a time capsule for 1964 let alone any year! Anyway, I’m not about to put these Santa heads on any holidays cakes however I will make ornaments out of them!

So there you have it, Christmas in July in a nutshell! Don’t let the sunshine and hot weather fool you, Christmas is only 152 days away and it will be here before you know it! So get to planning people!

Enjoy and Merry July 25th!

Posted in Holiday, Vintage | Leave a comment

Piggy Bank Greeting!

Posted on July 20, 2012

We are fast approaching the week of July 25th (the exact six month mark to Christmas 2012) and our Christmas in July posts are just getting started here! Actually, all weekend long (July 21st to the 22nd) QVC will be highlighting some of the most horrendous holiday ornaments, trees, lights, toys, candles and food the U. S. market has to offer—so you know I’ll be watching with the air conditioner cranked up on full blast, Mamma Biscuit perched upon my lap and the phone on my coffee table in case I get the urge to crank-call during the Jeanne Bice (RIP) horrendous holiday sweater segment. Check out this line-up QVC has in store for us! If your just as insane as I am about this crap, then I’m sure you are totally looking forward to the Heartfelt Holidays with Valerie segment—I’m envisioning hideous Christmas scenes painted on fiber optic ornaments by the late Thomas Kinkade, painter of light and the reason for this oh-so-bad but oh-so-good Lifetime movie! Or how about the Bethlehem Lights Seasonal Lighting segment—I have no idea what that’s about but the possibilities seem inappropriately endless!

Now Mamma and family have our own vintage items we like to showcase during this time of year to get us into the spirit of it all. We usually highlight ornaments and various decorations within these posts but today I thought I would share with you all an often overlooked yet very important holiday need—the greeting/gift card. Now if your like me, gift-giving during the holiday season can be a daunting task—and picking out the perfect card to accompany that gift can be even harder! I usually start off with really grand ideas and good intentions but the moment I arrive at any retail environment, I find myself lost in a matter of minutes. I end up on the floor, head deep in a shelving unit in either the Christmas decor section or worse, in the pet clothing corner! Let’s just put it this way, Mamma Biscuit always makes out really good whenever I’m looking to buy a holiday gift for anyone! Anyway, as Tommy and I were scouring some antique shops in Havre de Grace, Maryland nearly two months ago, we came across this amazing vintage greeting/gift card from the late 1940’s that could very well be the solution to all my holiday gift/card giving obligations!


Firstly, I love pigs! Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my mother’s maiden name is Porco (yes, I’m a pig, that’s the stock I come from) but this card is so damn cute! Perfectly illustrated on thick card stock with a thin sheet of wood on the inside, this baby keeps any gift-giver on budget while still retaining a sense of humor and air of thoughtfulness! Inside, the card reads, “I didn’t know what to buy you, I didn’t know what to send” shit, I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve been there before! It then concludes with, “So I filled this little Piggie bank with good wishes you can spend.” I nearly applauded when I read it inside the antique shop, of course I couldn’t really applaud because I had Mamma Biscuit cradled in my arms but I did scream out for Tommy to come and take a look at it! The card has ten whimsical slots for you to place ten dimes in, how convenient! So put away your check book and forget about a visit to the ATM machine because you can just pull enough dimes from the corners of your couch to fill up this card and simply call it a day!

So there you have it, ten dimes, one buck! Hey, in the 1940’s, giving a card out like this would make you a big spender. Today, in 2012, it would do the same considering Mamma and family (and almost all of you reading this post) are part of the ninety-nine percent! So this Christmas, if you receive this card in the mail from the Biscuit Household, consider yourself lucky! A cup of coffee during your morning commute will be on us—and don’t whine about wanting something off the Starbucks morning coffee menu because that’s not happening. When I say one cup of coffee, I’m talking about the dirty, bitter kind from a street vendor!

Oh, and lastly, check out Jeanne Bice describing how “Jesus rules” when it comes to wearing “our religious on our body.” The Hanukkah sweater went nowhere but the Jesus sweater flew off the racks in record timing (and I’m predicting that size XXL and XXXL were the first to go) So what can we all learn from Jeanne Bice and her experience bringing religious iconography into the realm of her hideous holiday sweaters? It’s that Jews have better taste than Christians and they wouldn’t be caught dead walking around wearing an over sized sweatshirt highlighting a bedazzled Menorah!

More Christmas in July to come, stay tuned!

Enjoy

Posted in Holiday, Vintage | Leave a comment